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This morning, I came across this little gem of a ruling from BG News (of Bowling Green State University) where a group of LARP (Live Action Role Players) had their game of Human vs Zombie interrupted when the University decided to ban Nerf Guns on campus. Basically the game is, a group of students are “humans” and a group are “zombies” and the goal is for the Zombies to “bite” all the human players by grabbing them on both shoulders, while the Humans only defense, is to shoot them with the Nerf guns. Apparently the University heads felt that the risk of students getting injured (from a Nerf gun, the kind your 6 yr old plays with) or shot by cops who mistake the nerf guns (you know the big orange, yellow things with bright foam parts) as real guns. Initial thought, over reaction from the VA Tech incident, and the standard bubble wrap the world plan. Would fit fine with a post on the Banning of Tag at elementary schools a few years ago. An action designed to “protect” our precious children from things like skinned knees, getting out of breath, and the possibility of being “it” and therefore sad, or as they see it “ostracized and ridiculed”. Hell, I could even work in the new law in Virginia outlawing tongue kissing preteens. Of course my first reaction to that was, “well its VA, is it okay if she’s your sister?”, followed shortly with the “Why the fuck aren’t we just shooting these people?” rant. Then as a moment of paranoia swept over me due to lack of Caffeine and Nicotine, another far more scary thought crossed my mind.

Now I love conspiracy theories as much as the next schizophrenic, 9/11 , the moon landing, even Ron Paul media bias, I even had a few of my own, especially when a few years back all the probes sent to Mars crashed before they landed, but I generally don’t believe any of that nonsense. But as I was recently reminded, there are 2 mistakes one can make when gathering intelligence /information. First is being so paranoid that you see conspiracies when there is only coincidence. The Second, not being paranoid enough that you see coincidence where there IS a conspiracy. So I started rolling the “Human vs Zombie” in my head (along with a few screws that had fallen out), just thinking that it might be fun for exercise, or to break up the work day ( “Hey Bob, can you take this down to accounting?” “Sure thing Bill, let me get my gun first.” “TPS reports….TPS reports….”), then with a shock, it hit me (and “hit me” meaning, jumping up, screaming “you bastards!!!” and causing my boss to shuffle down to HR to see if they could make me take a vacation day soon or at least secretly switch my heavily caffinated coffee to Folgers decaf). It’s. All. Connected.

What better way to train our young to battle Zombie’s in their future, then to stage mock battles in crowded areas. The evasion, never knowing who is actually turned, actual gunplay (well nerfplay). Its a play right out of the army’s own book. Stage mock battles to prepare for real ones. Its right up there with all the Shooter console games that various politician’s are always bitching about. Hell Jack Thompson (who I refuse to link to) is always trying to out right ban those games, ones that often feature zombie opponents (oh yeah and keep in mind Hillary has stood side by side with him on multiple occasions). Remove the video simulations, remove the live simulations, its all connected. Actually I think the joke is on them, as most students wouldn’t have access to firearms when the “attacks” come, so the players should use this as a chance to think on their feet. Instead of the “balled up sock” (which perhaps they store in their pants?) method of fighting off the zombie’s, rules should dictate that you have to bash them on the head with your book or something. Little more visceral, yet gentle melee combat, as I’m sure foam swords and such would be banned too (since they could….. get stuck in someone’s throat?). But what about the other 2, you’re asking?

The Banning of Tag is a simple connection. Predator vs Prey gaming. Sure, they say its because of fear of injury, or for singling out children, teasing, taunting, hurt feelings,etc, but have you ever, EVER known anyone that had a “traumatic Tag incident” that left them emotionally crippled as an adult. Sounds more like “fatten the kids up so they have to buy pills and diet plans” kind of conspiracy to me. Until you think of what you gain from playing tag. Evasion, fitness, teamwork, and when necessary, pushing the slower kid down to distract the predator while you get away, all necessary survival skills in the future. The “it” child (zombie) is after you, and will use cunning (oww I’m really hurt), deceit (hey Jimmy can I give you a kiss), even herding techniques to wear you out, trap you, trick you, and finally, “capture” (eat) you. I think they are making a mistake there though, since careful observation of these games would allow them to pick out the best, most vicious candidates to be chosen for later run testing of zombie armies. Then again, if you are good at tag, you’re rarely “it”, so maybe it didn’t produce enough results. But can’t deny it, it fits.

Ah yes, the newest Virginia law, this one is tricky. First read the story (linked above) and let the laughter and the revulsion pass, then think about it. Is it truly such an epidemic occurrence that they need to pass a law on it? And if its that bad, why just classify them as sexual predators, and not just kill the sick twitches? Now in every Zombie movie, there is always that sweet innocent child, sitting on a step somewhere, probably playing with a doll, and what happens when someone goes to help it? BAM they change and try to bite as they are hugging them. So whats this have to do with vile fucks? Well if you were to kiss said child, especially with tongue (ugh), all the kid has to do is bite down (which is what a normal child should do to them). You are now sans tongue, and a zombie (blannss, blannss). Its a behavioural training mechanism. See, I told you, it actually fits. Why politicians are choosing to protect child molesters now from their future fate as the walking dead, I’m not sure, perhaps its because of Virginia’s proximity to DC, their own compulsions, or some fear that its a voting demographic that their party needs somewhere. Never the less, moves are being made, we just don’t see it.

So next time a law is proposed, don’t just think of what it means to you, think about how it could be applied to a future undead holocaust, and your preparation for it. In the meantime go to Nerf.com or Backyard Artillery and prepare for you defense. I personally recommend the CS-6 Recon or the Firefly for that “tracer round” feel. And when the time comes, you know I’m getting the Vulcan. Prepare, play tag, game, and trust no one.

Stay tuned as I’m sure we’ll revisit this topic and other things like it, including who is actually behind the Zombies, what kind of Zombies are to come (consumers or brain eaters), Zombie vernacular (it goes beyond “brains” now), why Zombie movies generally suck after the first one, and on the nerf subject, how we’ll eventually injure one of Gilgemesh’s children and how we manage to remove the nerf arrow from his leg and the lie we tell his mother about it. And remember, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean the Zombies AREN’T after you.