HeathensOnline.com

   I consider myself a moderate gamer, not having enough free time or money to play all the games and excel at any of them, but have some skills and enough experience to generally know what I’m doing.  Thanks to Med, I occasionally will venture online and play multi-player games on the PC or X box 360.  Halo 3, COD 4, Rainbow 6, and whatever game I currently have rented, the usual.  Seeing as we can never gather a full of group of people to team up with, Death-matches are usually the way to go.  These games basically dump everyone on a map(playing field), and the objective is to kill everyone else more times then you yourself get killed within some predetermined time limit.  Just like the old games of “kill the man” and “king of the hill” we used to play when we were young, but our children aren’t allowed to play now, since they might get “hurt” or “upset”.    So I decided to offer our readers some easy to follow advice on how to totally wipe me off the board in these games, should they ever come across me.

1.  Be a 12 year old with a voice pitched higher then a soprano who got kick in the groin.  I know this is a bit out of your control, but trust me, it helps immensely if you can swing it (although if you’re 12, you should be reading this blog, Go to your Room).  Maybe bring in your nephew or someone just to get in the first few kills.  Their preferred method of operation seems to be memorizing the map(either d/l’d off the Internet, or read about in a cheat book), where all the best weapons or snipe spots are, then upon spawning (appearing), immediately run to that spot and wait.  Sooner or later I’ll come walking by, most likely following a fleeting movement I saw (which was in fact the guy in front of me getting killed by these kids) and I’ll head right for your sights.  BAM, I’m dead.  Of course now I know where you are, so what do I do???  I run right back to that spot, determined to make you pay for killing me, where you’ll kill me again, in the exact same manner.  Which makes me even angrier, and more determined, and apparently dumber, as I’ll once again run that same path, right into your sights.  Again.  And so, the carcasses of my follies past lay atop each other in an ever increasing pile, till the timer runs out and you win the round, by killing me personally 47 times (as opposed to the other players that learned to avoid you and were only killed once or twice).  Upon returning to the lobby, you act cordial enough, except for a few slips of “ownage” and “noob” (terms that make me totally lose respect for anyone over 15) between discussing the new Pokemon game with the other children online (and at 2:30 AM of all times!), but your young voice leaving me only able to utter a small grunt as my mind, trying to comprehend getting killed by someone almost a third my age, debates whether to try and sound like a girl, or speak in a made up language just to save face.  If you don’t have a youngling available to you, or can’t get your voice that high, perhaps you should try strategy #2

2.  Be a racist, foul mouthed twitch without any regard for any kids that might be playing (and stealing your kills of me).  Be sure to have Kid Rock, or some classic rock blasting in the background, that you can sing along too, including guitar riffs, loudly into your microphone, totally obscuring any in-game sounds.  They actually have it pretty easy.  Simply wait for me to walk by, then follow.  Wait for me to get a little cocky by killing a guy or two, then get real close and blast me.  Seems I never look behind me.  This is easily accomplished simply by spawning right behind me (especially in COD 4), though how you can get the game to do that, I’m not sure, but it happens far too often not to be intentional.  Now here is where it gets tricky.  If someone should manage to kill you, you MUST call them “gay” or a “fag” repeatedly.  No simple, “you bastard” or simple one time “fag” is acceptable.  It must be repeated over and over and over, as in “God your gay.  Are you Gay??  You are totally gay.  Gay. Gay. Gay.  Dude, you;re so Gay.”   All in one shot, almost one long run on sentence.  Personally, I’m not sure how getting beaten BY a gay person actually makes things more acceptable to these folks, but their insistence on it seems to make their world right again.  Perhaps they are used to being a bottom or something.  But this does have the desired affect of giving me tunnel vision, determined to hunt you down and beat you with a rifle butt, which means, I don’t see you walking behind me, aiming at me, shooting me, etc.  If you can’t force yourself to be that closed mind, homophobic, or sheep loving, then the other 2 choices might be a bit easier.

3.  Just wait until we are in the “between match” lobby, where I, being tired of having to hear the shrill calls of “man, you just got pwned”, and “Jeffy, can you help me out on an achievement and let me kill you….” or the aforementioned “Man, you are so Gay”, will slip outside my house to grab a quick smoke.  The moment I walk away, chances are the game will launch at a lightning fast speed and throw all players directly around me, offering free sniper practice as I do my best mannequin imitation, taking a bullet from every player.  Meanwhile, my physical body is outside, inhaling deeply, and contemplating a strategy beyond running around and getting shot multiple times (as opposed to the current “standing still and getting shot” that is happening while I smoke, none the wiser).   Upon returning, and seeing the I am so far behind, I will completely and utterly panic.    This involves me cursing, screaming at the TV, and running around, not paying attention to anything, and getting shot.  Shot from behind.  Shot by the kid camping.  Shot by mothers interested in what their kids doing, and playing for the first time.  Shot by your neighbor’s friend’s dog.  Shot, shot, shot, shot, shot.  This of course, increases my panic, increases the calls of “loser”, “suckage”, and conversely, praising of my sexual prowess, since I’m not killing anyone, and therefore NOT gay, and ultimately making me really, really need a smoke the next time I’m in the Lobby.

4.  If by some strange twist of fate, you were having your own troubles that last match, or stuck on the other side of the match or something, just wait till the next round.  Eventually, my wife, disturbed by all the cursing, screaming, stomping, crying, and large clouds of smoke billowing up outside our bedroom window, will come downstairs to see what I’ve set on fire.  Finding no flames, she will then decide it is time to start discussing “why I’m playing the game if it upsets me so?”  She will also do this “discussing” as I’m trying to sight a quick moving target with my sniper scope, FINALLY about to get a kill (and maybe, hopefully, be accused of being gay).  Seeing that I’m “distracted” by the game, she’ll stand directly in front of the TV, obscuring all view, until I drop the controller and look up into her eyes, and promise to quit the game as soon as the round is done.  To insure this, she will wait ever so patiently and sweetly(with arms crossed and foot tapping), right next to the TV,  significantly frazzling me, encouraging my every death by taunting me and calling me “loser”, until I give up and shut everything off.  To complete my night of loserdom, as I slowly ascend the stairs to our bedroom, head lowered, arms limp, if I am to inquire about perhaps some “bedroom games”, my wife will simply reply, “No loser, you’re not gay enough.”

 See, its all that simple.  Pick your strategy, adjust your voice, and see you on the battlefield.  I’ll be the one dying, alot.