HeathensOnline.com

Watching recent events unfold in “How I Met Your Mother” has got me thinking (besides confirming that Neil Patrick Harris is one of the best actors of our time) about friendship. The world of non-romantic relationships takes on many forms and labels. There are acquaintances, workmates, colleagues, roommates, wingmen, Bro’s, buds, mates, close friends, special friends, fuckbuddies, and Best Friends. True there are those that we are “friends” with solely because of the seats they have for sporting events, have such cool toys, are rich, have a hot wife, that we are secretly in love with, and those we just want to have sex with, but I’m referring to the deeper, absolute part of what makes you, you, Heathen type of friend. Its some intangible necessity that develops with in our lives, something as simple as a shared love of “bad horror movies”, and yet as intricate as being willing to shed blood for someone, but absolutely refusing to allow them to date your sister.

As varied as are the things that friendships develop from, such as poker games, late night drunken binges, sports teams, bar fights, TV shows, ex’s, dogs, the paternal classic “I stood up to the school bully and we became friends after that”, school alumni’s, certain annual parties, or even particular low cut outfits; there is no rhyme or reason as to why they happen, and cannot be forced. No amount of shared interests, invitations to hangout, offers to buy a round, or concert tickets can magically make a friendship happen (even though they can sometimes get you laid). Now, I’m not talking about the 1,736 “friends” you have on Myspace, or the famous guy who is a friend of a friend of a friend that you happened to meet once, but name drop to impress a girl, but the kind that you would fight an army for, rob a bank, or stay up all night with, just cause they had a bad day and needed some company. The deeper more meaningful types are brewed from a more mysterious and fickle pool. Like the old saying goes, “Friends help you move, True Friends help you move bodies”. A true friendship, as I view it, is a wholly intimate affair, often deeper and stronger then the various other relationships we involve ourselves in. It crosses traditional gender roles, without fear of being considered “gay” or “just interested in sex”(for opposite sex friendships, though sex sometimes plays a role, it is usually secondary). Friends are the ones that we share everything with, things we wouldn’t tell our priests, our significant others, our teddy bears, and sometimes, even afraid to admit to ourselves. Beyond all the talk about sports, beer, cars, (or on the feminine side) fashion, jewelry, TV shows, etc, are the more personal moments. We tell them all about the person we are involved with, what they did that was so stupid the other night, why we are mad at them (even though we don’t tell them), what sexual peculiarities they have, or even why we are in love with them so (again, even though we don’t tell them). We discuss who we have slept with, would like to sleep with, and which same-sex person we had a sexual dream about (well sometimes we do, well not WE meaning me, since I don’t have those types of dreams, but some of “us” do). They hear every detail of our own personal demons, fears, embarrassing stories(ex. sharting), genital shortcomings , money problems, or about that “surprise” we brought back from Tijuana. We are often more comfortable crying in front of our friends, then our significant others, just as we are more likely to laugh at ourselves, where it would be upsetting in front of our loved ones. Hell, we’ll even discuss our marriage plans with a friend, before we discuss it with the person we are involved with, and trust their opinion more then our own. Our friends are the first ones to notice when we are in love, or upset about something, often before we realize it ourselves. They are the first to console us when things go bad, and cheer us when things go well, to shine the spotlight on us when we deserve it, and try to distract the audience when we are making a drunken ass of ourselves. They help keep our ego’s in check when it gets to high, and will watch our backs even when we deserve an asskicking (in order to kick our asses themselves, out of love, of course). They “take one for the team” and step into the pitch, even when it means getting hit in the crotch (well at least they are supposed to, some try to deflect the pitch to another player, but at least they are in the game). We are more likely to fight and hate our own family then our friends, and they are usually the ones we’ll turn to first. They outlast countless relationships, jobs, locations, or stages of life, but even as strong as they are, they too can be broken

Friendships, like any relationship, are a two way street. Sure, one party can be more dedicated and committed into making it work then the other, but it still takes two people to make it work, and when it ends, it can be just as ugly as any divorce. Considering the fact that when you are friends with someone, you’ll usually laugh about actions they do, actions that you would punch someone in the face for if you had just met them, for something to bring an end to a friendship, you would think it would be pretty severe, but like chinese black magic, it always starts with something small. And just like that magic spark that causes a friendship to begin, so too are the things that cause a friendship to disintegrate. Distance, work, life, death, marriage, divorce, kids, seeing each other too little, seeing each other too much, political affiliations, restraining orders, buying a foreign car, finding religion, losing religion, turning japanese, addictions, sobriety, people we date, sleeping with someone your friend was dating, sleeping with someone your friend used to date, sleeping with someone besides us, money, even just “growing apart” have all been the ruin of one friendship or another. Its hard to comprehend calling up one of your friends one day, and them just telling you its over, you just can’t be friends anymore, but that’s usually how it happens, only, unlike any romantic relationship, no pretense of remaining friends afterwards (cause that would kind of be ironic). Its hard to accept that one person can hold that power over the relationship, that an arbitrary decision can end something years in the making, without repute, or even explanation, but when one party decides it, no amount of breakup sex/beers will fix it. In a romantic relationship, one would hope there would be warning signs, fights, crying, screaming matches, cheating, boiled bunnies, vehicular assaults, etc, but in a friendship, its often out of left field. Just something that’s been building over time, gone unspoken over many beers, until one day something just snaps, and one side decides to end it. And while the breakupper-er(?) can usually walk away clean, secure in their finding a right path in their life, it’s usually the others in a group of friends that have to deal with the aftermath. Sure there maybe crying, cursing, and pleads of reasons why that they just don’t have answers to, but it gets all the more difficult then the initial survey would show. Months of trying to balance time between the two parties, showing no greater loyalty from one to the other. Trying to see both sides of the equation, while not taking sides, and being sure not to add to the issues. The Breakee, always asking what the Breakupper is up to, while you can even mention the Breakee, or the things you do together, in front of the Breakupper, unless its to give them some false sense of righteousness, or ease their guilt. Then problems arise when parties are being planned, and decisions to be made about who gets invited when. Eventually everyone gets fed up, and it turns into an intervention, and then a mass brawl. Its a small split the can end up causing a mountain of friendships to crumble down. Sides end up being taken, and lines drawn in the sand, and what was once thought so mighty, can easily shatter like glass. Hopefully, when the dust settles, and if some awkward beers are shared, you can begin again, but that’s a path that you have to walk together.

My point? Actually I have none. This is just one of the long random rambles that I’m prone to, one which hopefully my friends understand and appreciate about me. If a reader thinks its about them, then I assure you its not, just something that’s been brewing awhile, brought on by a Sitcom (a damn fine one though), and a thought that wouldn’t leave my head. Perhaps its a call for others to reexamine who they think of as their friends, and consider how tight those bonds are, how you use the word, and the appreciation of what you have. A dedication to friends that I’ve lost along the way, that no matter how things ended, I enjoyed the time we had. Or it could be a warning, to any friendships that might develop in the future, be sure to bring your helmet, cause chances are it’ll be a bumpy ride.

Oh yeah, and Med, can I borrow $50?? In the name of friendship, of course.