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You can feel it in the air.  Already you see people making travel plans, boarding up their houses, the mass evacuations of neighborhoods, children being shipped off to faraway places, and the police gearing up for a rash of complaints. It can only mean one thing. The Festival is nearly upon us, and by that, I mean “UnGodly Heathen Nekid Bastard Children’s Day Festival” of course. The most sacred day of the Heathen life. Seeing as the Word is spreading, and clusters are growing throughout the world once again, we felt we should provide our adepts with a brief history of The Festival, and give you some guidelines as to how to hold your own celebration (guidelines, for very little in the Heathen World is a set rule).

The History

As with most areas of the world, season’s are separated into two distinct times; the “its too damn cold to get nekid without causing serious injury and looking like a woman” time, marked by the “UnGodly Heathen Nekid Bastard Children’s Day of Winter’s Shrinkage”, and the “Finally warm enough to be nekid whenever relative privacy would allow” or as it was widely known “Nude Season”, celebrated the world over as “The UnGodly Heathen Nekid Bastard Children’s Day Festival” or simply “Festival”. This day is almost always the fourth Sunday of every May (although in the Southern Hemisphere it would be reversed with “Shrinkage” days). On the occasional May that begins on a Monday, it would be held on the Sunday preceding the fourth Monday, in defiance to Mondays. Coincidentally this is primarily the Sunday before “Memorial Day” in the US. This is due to the history of the celebration. In elder Heathen times, it was a week long celebration, culminating in the “Children’s Day Festival” on Sunday, followed by the day of recovery on Monday, or as it was known then, “Loss of Memory Day”, when obviously no work was possible. As God-Fearing Religious Clothed Respectable Adult types are wont to do when faced with a much more enjoyable and fun society structure, they try to steal the Holidays and convert them to their own cause (see Halloween, Christmas, etc). Hence “Loss of Memory Day”, became “Memorial Day”, which by and large, we were fine with, since it is important to remember those that have fallen in defense of the greater ideals that this country was founded upon, and unlike those elder times, it is rare for a soldier’s life to be remembered in song anymore (and if it was, it would be ripped to MP3 and stolen a thousand times over, remixed into a dance tune, covered by a celebrity that shouldn’t sing, etc). Plus we still had our day off to recover, so if we limited the real partying to the Festival, we should be okay, that is, in the US. The rest of the world is kinda screwed on the deal. That’s all that the general public needs to know for now, so lets get onto the guidelines shall we?

Guidelines

• When- Well we just covered that didn’t we?? Come on, it isn’t that big of a paragraph. Read it and stop worrying about the “so how do I get to see boobs” part of the Festival. If that’s all you’re concerned about, then you aren’t ready for Festival and need to be slapped and sent back to high school (if you did read the paragraph, we’ll get to boobs later, hehe). For those that can’t do the math, This year (2008 doofus) it will be on May 25th. Preferably it would start during the day, and last well into the night (providing enough time for those driving to sober up, or decide to crash where they fall)
• Where- Traditionally, a member of a group will step up and offer their place as the initial site for the Festival, whether this is due to space, central location, absence of easily scarred minors, or just suckered into the deal. As time moves on, it is not vital for this to remain “THE place” for it, although as the location may change, it usually gravitates back to the original host to maintain that sanctity of the day. Nature also plays a big part in the location, not because we are a Deciduous Humping sect, but for the sheer nature of Heathen activities, having a nice “buffer zone” between you and any easily upset neighbor/children who could be blinded and lead to serious charges placed upon you. Heathenism is also about reconnecting to a more simple primal piece of your soul, one free of the constraints of modern society and their dictates, so being surrounded by nature helps with that. This is not to discriminate against our city dwelling brethren, though. We fully support them in any effort they put forth to hold festivities in whatever cramped apartment they may occupy. In fact, if they can get a bunch of sweaty people up close and nekid in their confines, it just goes to promote the kind of openness and acceptance that Heathens are all about. Just be sure to spray down any questionably nasty people with Lysol beforehand.
• Who- As Heathens, you are entrusted in not being discriminatory types, accepting of almost all people. And while it is obvious that you should only include those that would be accepting of the nature of the party, bible banging/easily offended errant boyfriends/girlfriends can be entertaining guests to have(for the subsequent freakout), provided their significant others are prepared for the fall out. Parents, bosses, government officials are generally discourage for their obvious consequences, unless they are supremely cool, or you have something you can hold over them (which the party may provide). Small children should be avoided or at least have very early bedtimes, unless they are too young to know any different or bring any learned activities to school. If you are raising your child in a Heathen household, and they fully understand the “Heathen time” vs “Polite Society bullshit time” differences, then it is an important learning experience for them. Beyond that, all should be welcomed, as long as some effort of warning is made to them. And no, “it can be crazy” is not a sufficient warning. A comfortable mix of sexes is recommended (more women is better though), and we encourage you to introduce those unfamiliar to the practice, in order to help spread the joy (or laughter as the case may be)
• Activities- There are no set activities such as “easter egg hunts” or “trimming the tree” or anything like that, although there are few dictates that must be adhered to, or at least strongly suggested in order to make it a “proper” Festival.
  • Someone MUST get nekid at some point. This one is irrefutable. The person in question is not set, although we would hope that any practicing Heathen would jump at the chance. After all, Festival is the celebration of the beginning of Nude season, and if no one gets nekid, its not much of a celebration, now is it. Call yourself Mormons and go home. In theory, one goal of Festival would be for it to be a newcomer, fully embracing our ways for the first time (not the first time nekid, just at a Heathen event). Your drunken creepy Grandpa Leo would not make a good choice, obviously, but for a party goer that has spent the time to ask questions and come to gain a small understanding of the Heathen ways, and want to accept a part of us into their heart (their bed is a whole different thing).
  • If games are played, they should be Midget Games. Should you not have Midgets available to you, most games are easily converted. Recognizing that in Heathen times, people were much shorter (where at 5′11″ you were a giant among men), it is important to honor them by subtly changing the most standard things today. We figure it equals out to about 9 inches to the modern Foot. So that 8 foot volleyball net, lower it to 6 feet and you’re golden. Horseshoes, move the stakes closer and use smaller horseshoes. Baseball, go with wiffleball (doesn’t fly as far) and shorten the baselines. Playing with a beer in hand also inhibits your ability to play (as does the beer), so this only reflects the limitations placed upon our smaller fore-bearers, and therefore encouraged. These rules can be applied to any game, and we encourage you to search out new ones to convert. Also in order to inhibit the competitive advantages of people of stature, physical contact is allowed, with the “no blood no foul” ruling applied, especially in games where it would seem tricky to apply (volleyball, tennis, etc). Nudity, while not applying to the “physical contact” rules, can go either way. While it does inhibit playing ability, especially when involving jumping or sliding, the cost can be quite painful. Though it does give women quite an advantage if they are nekid (and again jumping). We leave that one up to your sado-masochistic designs and willing players. It is not necessary. One rule that must apply to all games, NO TOUCHING THE NET. Even if there is no net, still not allowed to touch it.
  • It is also important to note that “Lawn Darts” are not allowed in any form what-so-ever, UNLESS, you have the classic, original, pure and unchanged, possible injury and/or death inducing, Spiked Metal Lawn Darts we all loved in our youth. Their banishment from society cruelly reflects the same discrimination and persecution that Heathens suffered, and hence no substitute, family friendly, safe to the point of not being fun, polite society acceptable Pussy Dart should ever be allowed to even appear at Festival (build your own types can be found here). Zic-Zac and its current knockoffs are acceptable, provided the curving “drunk” ball is used.
  • If it does rain, and you are all forced inside (or were inside to begin with), we recommend Crokinole, if you can get it together in time. Wii games or Balance boards are lots of fun, provided people are drunk enough, and you have a someone qualified to perform first aid.
  • Water activities are also highly encouraged. Not only because they are fun, and actually help induce nudity, but also provide a cover for all of us not suffering from “permanent micro climates“, an excuse for any “shrinkage” we might be suffering, considering its supposed to be the start of Nude Season, and “its cold” shouldn’t apply in theory. If pools or hot tubs are unavailable to you, Slip and Slides are nice cheap alternatives, though not so good for doing nude.
• Food - As with most gatherings of friends, food is a sweet accent, that soft hue that can color the memory of the day.  It also provides a focal point for which unfamiliar participants to gather around, strike up conversations, a set off that spark that becomes a deep friendship lasting many years.  Also it provides a good source of energy, so that the party can last longer, vital absorption ability to prevent vomiting, and striking colors and texture for said vomiting when it pass beyond the point of all help.  It should also be kept in mind that Heathens are family, a tribe, a group bound to one another, so if one suffers, we all do.  Therefore, in-order to ensure that Festival does not cause undue stress or burden upon any single member, ALL members and attendees are encourage to share in providing the food, booze and any additional items (like massage oil) that the party might require.  Heathens may be willing to carry you on their back through a desert, but that doesn’t mean you get to ride for free.  So while you are shopping at the mini mart on the way to the party, here’s a few things to keep in mind.
  • FIRE must be used to cook.  Let go of your modern ties of your infrared heating cyber cooker or Electrolux convection oven, and surrender to that part of your soul that is still entranced by the soft whispering flicker of a flame singing with each teardrop of impurity that falls upon it.  I’m talking bonfire, Bar-B-Que, Fire breathing midget, or other potential fire bomb you can come up with.  Steak, Hamburger, Chicken, Pork, Shrimp, Sweet Corn, or even Vegetable shishkabob (with a nice orange honey glaze) if you are so inclined(or impaired).  I don’t care if you have to cook cocktail wienies over a tiki torch, or smash up you grandmothers rocking chair and roast a marshmallow, FIRE must be used at some point.  THIS is irresolute.  And no, a birthday candle in a cupcake does not count.
  •  Similarly, Salads are Forbidden (even if you set it on fire).  Honestly, with a bunch of nekid guys running around, do you really want to hang around awaiting the inevitable “Toss my salad” jokes?  At least this applies to the vile leafy green rabbit chow that some insidious corporate scientist has convinced the nation that they require it.  In deference to various female counter parts (and womanly Meds), it has been deemed that “salads” of the potato, egg, and pineapple variety be allowed, as it helps them continue some tradition that their mothers had bestowed upon them one twisted year.  In no way necessary, but allowable, as long as it isn’t green.
  • Snacks of all types are allowed, and encouraged.  They especially make for convenient and safe “donations” for new participants, and are easily picked up at any store for last minute purchases.  Homemade goodies are better, but all sweet and salty types are welcome.
  • Along with the food, Booze should also be supplied by the various party goers.  Beer is the default universal beverage, but as this is no “standard” gathering, higher quality types are encouraged.  As these are more expensive, we would recommend buying a lessor amount, just having more people buy it.  Wine, hard alcohol, mixers, etc are fine if you have a particular desire, but as it might not be shared by all, make sure you also bring something else (booze or food) that everyone can enjoy.  Also keep in mind that whatever booze you bring should be open to all, and you need to be prepared to see the $100 bottle of whiskey disappear quickly, so cheaper stuff is usually better, unless you can afford it.  To avoid that, we recommend Margaritas, where you can use cheaper Tequila (unless you are Gilgemesh) and still have a damn fine drink.  It is also perfect for the ancient though seldom seen practice of the Heathen upside down margarita shots if you have the hot tub and breasty woman available to administer it properly.
  • Drinking alcohol is not…required at Festival, just recommended.  The desire to wash your eyes out with cleansing alcohol, or to drink away the pain and memory of having seen your friend’s drunken mother running around nekid will become more apparent throughout the night.  Plus, as perceptions are clouded and some of us look better when we are fuzzy, you only help your fellow Heathens the drunker you are.  But for those party goers that are brave and Masochistic enough to desire to remain sober, suitable refreshments must be insured for them.  Bottle water can be enjoyed by all, so that is a staple, and comes in very handy for washing out stains, waking people up, and just general warding off of the hangover demons.
  • Ice is a highly important item that is often forgotten and only becomes apparent once you run out half way through the party, so careful planning is necessary.  If, as in certain areas, the only local place for you to be able to buy ice is the local Jiggly room (Nudie bar for the uninitiated), double the planning is required.You will probably have to make multiple runs through out the day(via sober driver) and well ahead of any ice meltdowns, since as we all know, they only allow you to buy one bag at a time, and are in no rush to help you, so it can take a good half hour each trip (no matter how ugly, old, and how many prosthetic body parts the dancers might have).
• Finally, when planning your party, be sure to factor in crash space for the percentage of guests that will not be up to driving home that night and only invite accordingly, or wisely, by having a few set sober drivers preplanned.  All guests should be allowed whatever time the need to sober up before driving(even if you have to take their keys), and checked before they depart.  Don’t let a celebration turn into a tragedy.  The world isn’t going anywhere, and your floor serves no purpose at night, so better to let a friend sleep it off on it.  Besides, then you can make them buy you breakfast in the morning.

That’s it, you should be set and able to take these guidelines and have a fully honorable and long talked about, but largely forgotten, Festival of your own.  But I would like to make one last suggestion.  Your entire life is but a collection of a few random seconds of truly pure and meaningful moments.  It is not sitting in traffic, or meeting a sales quota, or hours on the couch or even time spent reading this blog.  Its those few precious breaths that carry their own soundtrack, that exist only for a heartbeat, and with the next blink of your eye, shift to something else.  Find that moment within Festival, and although you might forget everything else, remember that beat for all time.  Whether its the 2 AM laughter of old friends recounting memories, fireworks reflected in a loved one’s eyes, teaching your buddy’s kid to pee on a tree, or seeing that really cool chick who you never thought would show up walk in the door, capture it, and treasure it.  Write it down, take a pic (if its of a nekid girl, send it to us), repeat it in your head over and over, carve it into your arm with a butter knife, just don’t lose it, for it will carry you for years to come.  This is one of the underlying truths of Heathenism, and should never be forgotten.

 And just think, once Festival is passed, only a few short months till EdFest.  What you don’t know about Edfest??? Oh what this world has come to…..