And, yes.  By that, I mean the Gilgewife told me she’d get me one for Father’s day.  I graciously offered to pick it up.  Ostensibly so that she wouldn’t have to wait in line.  But really, because I don’t want anyone touching my precious but me.

Well, I eventually ended up at the Apple store near where I work.  Turns out AT&T ran out of phones. Everywhere.  The line wound around the mall about 300+ people long.  I wandered up to the end of the line and began what would turn out to be a 4.5 hour wait.

But it was really a good time.  I got to know the people around me in line better than people I have worked with for years.  There was the gentleman who is a programmer for a big online/TV shopping network who has 4 sons all 4 years apart.  The guy who works as an environmental engineer for the government.  Originally from Puerto Rice but ended up here by way of Texas.  The nice lady with two children in a tiny private school who is moving them to public school this fall.

What is it about waiting in a long line that causes you to open up to the people round you as if you knew them and trusted them for longer than you have?  It is a strange dynamic.  We talked about things I am sure we wouldn’t have offered up had we met at a bar or a dinner party.  Is it the strange situation?  A communal, “Oh, we have this one thing in common we probably have more in common” type attitude?

I don’t know what it is, but I do know that I probably won’t see any of them again.  Which is a shame.  We had some good times.  Like when the Apple people brought us water and coffee and more water.  And, then we had to run to Starbucks to take a leak.  And then we brought back more coffee.  And the Apple folks brought more water.  Good times.

I suppose it could be worse.  There are probably people in line right now that can’t stand each other.  Who just want to punch each other in the head.  Glad I wasn’t in that one.

By the way, the new iPhone rocks.  I should have gotten one last year.  

     The New Disney-Pixar film “Wall E” is a cute story, enjoyable for both children and adults, which is pretty impressive, since there’s basically no real dialogue for the first hour.  A love story between a pair of robots, trying to save themselves, the Earth, and the Human Race itself, all in beautiful CGI, whose glistening effects of metal, movement, and expression surpass all that’s come before it.  Truly, a well done piece, with lots of humor and emotion expressed solely by movement, position of optical sensors, and that lonely child we all hold deep inside of us.

      For those that missed the media blitz, the basic plot is, with the Earth overwhelmed by trash, the Human Race takes to the stars, leaving robots to clean up the mess, awaiting the day they can return.  Flash forward 700 years, we find Wall E, the sole working trash compacting robot left on the planet, his only companion a cockroach, still working on collecting all the trash we left, leaving looming skyscrapers of trash, dwarfing all the abandoned buildings below.  The rest of the Earth is dust.  Well dust and trash, till one day he finds a solitary plant, just starting to bud.  Coincidentally that same day, EVE (pronounced E-VA) arrives.  EVE is basically a probe sent back to earth to see if any life has returned.  Of course they fall in love (well Wall e does, it takes her a bit longer., Doesn’t it always?).  Through a series of mishaps, and a battle against a robot gone crazy, they finally bring the humans back to Earth to begin life again.  Honestly, its a cute and touching story, on the surface.

     The sub plot of it falls well above the targeted children audience’s heads.  What they don’t notice is that the giant global big box company Buy N Large, is basically the reason for all the trash.  While they seem to be our saviors, building the ships and systems that will keep us safe and secure in space, while their robots clean up the Earth, its actually all the trash from the stuff they sold that got us shot up there to begin with.  Well, they sold and we bought.  And while we float around happily on our hoverchairs, vid screen directly infront of our face so we can talk to our friends, or shop for the last sale items, it is also the reason our bodies grow far too fat and useless, so much so that we can barely walk, much less move on our own.  The vid screens block all our vision, and more importantly, keep us from seeing the world (space) around us (”I didn’t know we had a pool” is a repeated line).  It was too quick to catch, but a series of pictures seemed to suggest that humans no longer live past 25, though whether that is due to life style, or the roboto el loco trying to prevent the discovery of life, is never really explained.

  The reason this is a Rant and not a Review is simply this.  With your child’s ticket, you get this nifty “made in china” rubber watch.  Not only that, but 3-5 free promotional cards (made from non recycled stock), all wrapped nicely in Polypropylene.  You know, that clear plastic crap everything is wrapped in that you tear off and toss where ever is most convenient (usually the floor).  This followed by the $17 mega soda, popcorn, and 2 year old JuJu Fruit combo that you simply MUST buy before settling into your seats (the same trash that will end up on the floor 1/2 hour into the movie).  Forget the fact that the watch will either be broken or forgotten in a week’s time.  Here you are sitting down to watch a movie that’s really saying all the useless crap we buy is killing the world, but here’s some FREE useless crap to go with it.  I don’t know if the subplot was some sort of fuck you to Disney that Pixar slipped in to show their disdain, or they just have a sick sense of humor.  Especially considering all the Wall E toys, bookbags, pencils, lunch boxes, plush animals (plush robots?), humidifiers, phones, toilet seats, clothes, beach towels, airplanes, pasta, tvs, stupid clothes for little rat dogs, diaper disposal units (though this would be kinda cool), video games, and the 13 direct to video sequels Disney will churn out in a year; that are due to appear at a store near you.  In fact, its going to appear at the self same Wallmarts, Targets, K Marts, Sam’s Clubs, Costco’s, Best Buys, etc that Buy N Large represents in the movie.  Does Pixar already have the space ship to get off the planet or something?  Is this movie just their little Fuck you to the viewing public, showing their disdain for our willingness to buy into all this shit and completely miss the big picture, simply because it comes in a cute and convenient little package?  Or was this simply a honest and meaningful statement that got lost somewhere in the Marketing Machine, all in the name of the mighty dollar?

     Frankly, I’m not going to stop shopping at Target, or Best Buy.  Fortunately, I’m too poor to buy all the crap I would like, so I already reduce my contribution to the destroying of the world, over and above an conscious effort I might make.  The most ironic thing about it all is, all that trash that Wall E so carefully stacked up high into the sky, is actually more likely to decompose that way, then any “proper” disposal of it.  We have gotten so worried about all the damage to the enviorment that our trash can do, that landfills these days are sealed, so that the trash won’t leak into it as it decomposes.  Unfortunately they are kept from the elements as well, so there is no actual factor acting upon them TO make them decompose.  So any organic, natural, biodegradable products you do buy, unless they are specifically recycled, they lie sealed in a tomb somewhere, just as you threw them out, and will be that way for a hundred years.  That napkin you threw out of your car, it’ll be gone in a few weeks, its just chances are it’ll just kill a few things before it happens.  Damn where’s my space ship.

     The movie itself was half decent.  Plenty of action, car chases, stunts, cool effects and an interesting enough story.  For those unfamiliar with it, the movie centers around Wesley Gibson, a neurotic, over anxious, cubicle slave stuck in a life of mediocrity, slaving away for a thankless boss as his girlfriend sleeps with his best friend (sounds like alot of us, I know).  His life changes, when his long missing father, is killed.  Unbeknownst to him, his father was a super-assassin with super power like killing abilities that he himself had inherited.  The group he worked for, “The Fraternity”, suddenly shows up and recruits poor Wesley into their world, and enable him to reclaim his birthright, focusing upon the man that killed his father.  Nobility surrounds the order, as they follow a “Mystical Loom” that tells them who to kill through its “binary code” weave.  “Kill one to save one thousand” is the credo.  Through a brutal initiation and training process Wesley turns around full force, and follows the Fraternity to the ultimate conclusion.  A conclusion of being double crosses, “plot twists”, and hopefully redemption for all.  And of course it all builds up to a final scene that’s supposed to leave you on your feet cheering (which quite a few were.)

     Acting wise, it was all done pretty well, no real complaints.  Angelina Jolie seemed a bit stiff, but she wasn’t exactly given a ton of lines to work with, with her lithe body sporting ever more tattoos being more of the draw (yes you even get to see her ass).  Morgan Freeman was, well Morgan Freeman, hard to find a complaint there.  Everyone else, worked, if not causing any upswell of emotion or calls for an Oscar.  The soundtrack was definitely good, and one I might even buy (can’t argue with any soundtrack that has NIN in it).  All in all, not a bad movie, and certainly entertaining.

     So why don’t I sound all that excited about it?  Because I had read the book long before seeing the movie.  And while the movie is enjoyable, the book is a far, far superior thing, and a completely different story.  Yes, yes, I know, “The book is always better (even if its a comic book)”, but I take specific exception to this case.

     While the book does center around Wesley Gibson (in this case, an Eminem lookalike) who is the self same loser cubicle slave in the movie, and whose father, a super assassin, is killed, leading him into a different life to reclaim his birthright, that’s where the movie fell away.  In the book, it is not some benevolent society trying to save the world, here Wesley’s new life is amongst Super Villains.  It seems, that back around 1986, all the super baddies got together, and Killed all the superheroes, gaining complete control of the world.  Immediately the set about removing all traces of the heroes, and any memory that they ever existed.  They hide themselves, putting into power those that would ensure that the world was left in blissful ignorance.  The greatest trick the devil ever played, was convincing the world he didn’t exist.  And given absolute power, with no recriminations, Wesley does as most would do, he becomes utterly corrupted.  Followed by “Fox” (based on Halle Berry), he proceeds to kill, rape, abuse, decimate anything seen as good in the world.  Followed by, of course, double crosses, plot twists, and an explosive bloody finale.

     My main issue with the translation to movie is, even though it satisfied the original author Mark Millar, is that if falls into the same trappings that Millar himself mocks in the book, often breaking the fourth wall to tell you so.  I understand the stretch involved getting people to buy into the “super-villain” thing, but why not just have them be a cabal of criminals that took over all the power.  I mean, look at the world governments these days, most people already believe they are all a secret group of criminals.  And if you are going to try and sell “hyper adrenalin”, “Loom of Fate”, and “bending of bullets” with pinpoint accuracy, why not leave the soul of the book intact.  Why fall into the same old rut of the “heroic” outcome, and redemption storylines, when the book spent so much time telling you that it didn’t exist anymore.  The same changes the movie made in order to make it more acceptable to the American movie audience, are precisely what the book spends pages telling you that it is all just some sales technique of the corporations to make you feel better about your own pathetic life.  As a movie, yes its enjoyable fun fair, but as a story that you haven’t heard before, it holds nothing on the book.

     And even though it was thrilling to hear Morgan Freeman say “Kill this Muther Fucker”,  it just isn’t “Wanted” if it doesn’t end with:

Injury count ended up being 2 gnarled and bashed toes, a gash on a shin, one swollen, bloodied lip, and a multitude of unexplained bruises, including the side of an entire face.  Plus, upon immersion into the Frigid water, Med became a woman (at least in visual appearance, and voice).  No deaths and no one catching fire, means all in all, an improvement over past years.

One Highlight of the Festival was, as promised, a full rack of cupcakes, courtesy of CakeMuffin Girl.  Simply provided with cursory information about Festival, she, in her infinite talent, searched out a decadent recipe for cupcakes made out of Guinness Beer.  Absolutely divine.  The term “Heathen Eucharist” was bantered about between stuffing them down our throat.  We had fully intended on saving them as a prize for a Midget Volleyball tournament, but unfortunately Gilgemesh had Ball issues, and so I took that as a cue to head over and begin devouring them myself, not long after which, everyone followed.  Had we known how good they were prior, I’m sure there would be much more blood to report, as we would have definitely beaten each other silly with various lawn ornaments in order to claim them all for ourselves.  I wish I had a good picture of them to showcase them, but alas our mouths were too quick.  Simply imagine a Guinness perfectly poured into a cupcake wrapper, complete with foam, and a hint of sweet chocolate.

Speaking of pictures, unfortunately my wife seems only capable of taking pictures of babies and Nekd G’s, with whom, due to certain court appearances and legal complications, we cannot post them here.  We can simply offer this fine example of how we mixed both fire and Heathen expression.  And yes we are doing exactly what you think we are doing.  I’ll update with more photos if they should possibly turn up.

People who have perused some of my other writings may have noticed that I support the efforts over at Zombie Popcorn.  Both in a quest for more 3D movies and also in a better quality of life for our animal brethren.  I suggest checking out the site for the latest in zombie news.  And to get their link to free asian style horror movies go here. For folks who haven’t been keeping track, they have taken the good fight up to the great city of NY.  Coincidentally, you can fight for both causes there.  Well, their perserverance, they have been there for well over a month by my count, has gotten me thinking on what I should be concerned about. 

Now, it’s about at this time that I hear my Heathen brethren saying, but isn’t Heathenism your cause.  And, to you folks I answer, “NO, not really.” Heathenism isn’t a cause, it’s more a way of life.  A cause is something you fight for and try, hopefully quite hard, to get other people to support.  This is the wrong way to encourage Heathenism.  We don’t go door to door with a special Heathen bible telling people what to do.  Similar to the Matrix, we put the word out and wait for those ready to leave their false lives to find us.

But I digress.  After much deliberation I have finally decided on the cause I am going to support.  I know I could have taken the easy way out and joined in a cause I have friends already fighting for, but that’s just not the way I do things. It’s never easy.  Besides, I wanted to find something that I could even get some of my more lethargic friends to support.

So I present Gilgemesh’s Heathen cause for support:

Lightbulbs

Yeah, lightbulbs.  I know, it seems silly, but let me have a few more minutes of your time to explain. While checking out some vital sports news on Si.com the other day I noticed one of the banner ads. Normally I don’t pay attention to these glaring attrocities, but something about it caught my eye.  After finishing the article I was reading I gave the banner a click.  Desperately hoping it wouldn’t take me somewhere not safe for work.

This is where I ended up. www.unscrewamerica.org

OK, so, perhaps that explains why my attention was caught by this banner ad, but in any case it is definitely worth a click.  They have a ton of great info there, all organized in a very easy to get through  way.  But, to save you the time, here is the gist of the lightbulb issue.

Currently there are 3 main types of bulbs made for general home use: Incandescents, CFLs, and LEDs. Incandescents are the regular 6 for $3.00 bulbs you can get at the store.  These are cheap bulbs that last about 1000 hours and create a ton of heat.  CFLs are slightly more expensive per bulb, about $2.50 each at the store.  But, and this is where it gets good, they last up to 15,000 hours, use 80% less energy, and produce much less heat. LEDs are the next stage, future of lightbulbs, but they aren’t quite ready for the prime time.  LEDs last up to 60,000 hours, and produce almost no heat.  They are just a bit too expensive right now for practical use.

So, now you know a little bit of the info.  Here is the breakdown financially: Incandescent bulbs at 1000 hours per bulb, costing $.50 each are $7.50 for 15,000 hours of use.  CFLs are $2.50 for 15,000 hours.  What?  That doesn’t convince you? Well, think about not having to change a bulb in your hours more than, oh, once every seven years.  Sound good?  OK.  Now lets add in a bit of the power savings.

Over the course of 15,000 hours of use a standard incandescent bulb uses 900kwh of energy. At about $.10 per hour that comes to $90. The CFL uses 20% of the energy an incandescant does, for a grand total of $18 over the course of it’s 7 year life.  Grand total: Incandescent $97.50, CFL $20.50.  Which one do you want to use now?

But there’s more.  Changing one bulb to a CFL saves 450 pounds of power plant emissions.  Just for reference that’s about 3 of me.  And, if we all change just 6 bulbs to CFLs we can save the US $3.6 billion in energy cost.  Hmm.  Now there’s something to think about.

“Well,” I hear you say, “What are the drawbacks?” There are 2. First, as Gilgewife will point out, it takes a few seconds for a CFL to reach maximum luminosity. An incandescent bulb reaches max lumens much faster. Second, and this is the important part, there is a tiny amount of mercury in a CFL bulb. The good news on that is, many major retailers either have programs in place for you to bring in your old bulbs for recycling, or will by the time your first bulb needs replacing. Remeber, we are talking 7 years from now. And hopefully, by then, LEDs will be at a price everyone can afford.

So, what are you waiting for? Go change your light bulbs.

Case in point, this story. Now, how can it be possible that a simple parade of Zombies and such, causing no harm, not even a simple brain sucking, can be blashphemous.  Well, enter the Church.  Fresh off their castigation of minorities, mud wrestling and topless mechanical bull riding, they step up to the plate to condescend about a bit of quiet Zombie fun.

It is important to note that this is the same country that throws a giant tomato fight, runs with the bulls, and, oh yeah, ran a little thing called the inquisition.

Updated, with links.

The History

As with most areas of the world, season’s are separated into two distinct times; the “its too damn cold to get nekid without causing serious injury and looking like a woman” time, marked by the “UnGodly Heathen Nekid Bastard Children’s Day of Winter’s Shrinkage”, and the “Finally warm enough to be nekid whenever relative privacy would allow” or as it was widely known “Nude Season”, celebrated the world over as “The UnGodly Heathen Nekid Bastard Children’s Day Festival” or simply “Festival”. This day is almost always the fourth Sunday of every May (although in the Southern Hemisphere it would be reversed with “Shrinkage” days). On the occasional May that begins on a Monday, it would be held on the Sunday preceding the fourth Monday, in defiance to Mondays. Coincidentally this is primarily the Sunday before “Memorial Day” in the US. This is due to the history of the celebration. In elder Heathen times, it was a week long celebration, culminating in the “Children’s Day Festival” on Sunday, followed by the day of recovery on Monday, or as it was known then, “Loss of Memory Day”, when obviously no work was possible. As God-Fearing Religious Clothed Respectable Adult types are wont to do when faced with a much more enjoyable and fun society structure, they try to steal the Holidays and convert them to their own cause (see Halloween, Christmas, etc). Hence “Loss of Memory Day”, became “Memorial Day”, which by and large, we were fine with, since it is important to remember those that have fallen in defense of the greater ideals that this country was founded upon, and unlike those elder times, it is rare for a soldier’s life to be remembered in song anymore (and if it was, it would be ripped to MP3 and stolen a thousand times over, remixed into a dance tune, covered by a celebrity that shouldn’t sing, etc). Plus we still had our day off to recover, so if we limited the real partying to the Festival, we should be okay, that is, in the US. The rest of the world is kinda screwed on the deal. That’s all that the general public needs to know for now, so lets get onto the guidelines shall we?

Guidelines

• When- Well we just covered that didn’t we?? Come on, it isn’t that big of a paragraph. Read it and stop worrying about the “so how do I get to see boobs” part of the Festival. If that’s all you’re concerned about, then you aren’t ready for Festival and need to be slapped and sent back to high school (if you did read the paragraph, we’ll get to boobs later, hehe). For those that can’t do the math, This year (2008 doofus) it will be on May 25th. Preferably it would start during the day, and last well into the night (providing enough time for those driving to sober up, or decide to crash where they fall)
• Where- Traditionally, a member of a group will step up and offer their place as the initial site for the Festival, whether this is due to space, central location, absence of easily scarred minors, or just suckered into the deal. As time moves on, it is not vital for this to remain “THE place” for it, although as the location may change, it usually gravitates back to the original host to maintain that sanctity of the day. Nature also plays a big part in the location, not because we are a Deciduous Humping sect, but for the sheer nature of Heathen activities, having a nice “buffer zone” between you and any easily upset neighbor/children who could be blinded and lead to serious charges placed upon you. Heathenism is also about reconnecting to a more simple primal piece of your soul, one free of the constraints of modern society and their dictates, so being surrounded by nature helps with that. This is not to discriminate against our city dwelling brethren, though. We fully support them in any effort they put forth to hold festivities in whatever cramped apartment they may occupy. In fact, if they can get a bunch of sweaty people up close and nekid in their confines, it just goes to promote the kind of openness and acceptance that Heathens are all about. Just be sure to spray down any questionably nasty people with Lysol beforehand.
• Who- As Heathens, you are entrusted in not being discriminatory types, accepting of almost all people. And while it is obvious that you should only include those that would be accepting of the nature of the party, bible banging/easily offended errant boyfriends/girlfriends can be entertaining guests to have(for the subsequent freakout), provided their significant others are prepared for the fall out. Parents, bosses, government officials are generally discourage for their obvious consequences, unless they are supremely cool, or you have something you can hold over them (which the party may provide). Small children should be avoided or at least have very early bedtimes, unless they are too young to know any different or bring any learned activities to school. If you are raising your child in a Heathen household, and they fully understand the “Heathen time” vs “Polite Society bullshit time” differences, then it is an important learning experience for them. Beyond that, all should be welcomed, as long as some effort of warning is made to them. And no, “it can be crazy” is not a sufficient warning. A comfortable mix of sexes is recommended (more women is better though), and we encourage you to introduce those unfamiliar to the practice, in order to help spread the joy (or laughter as the case may be)
• Activities- There are no set activities such as “easter egg hunts” or “trimming the tree” or anything like that, although there are few dictates that must be adhered to, or at least strongly suggested in order to make it a “proper” Festival.
  • Someone MUST get nekid at some point. This one is irrefutable. The person in question is not set, although we would hope that any practicing Heathen would jump at the chance. After all, Festival is the celebration of the beginning of Nude season, and if no one gets nekid, its not much of a celebration, now is it. Call yourself Mormons and go home. In theory, one goal of Festival would be for it to be a newcomer, fully embracing our ways for the first time (not the first time nekid, just at a Heathen event). Your drunken creepy Grandpa Leo would not make a good choice, obviously, but for a party goer that has spent the time to ask questions and come to gain a small understanding of the Heathen ways, and want to accept a part of us into their heart (their bed is a whole different thing).
  • If games are played, they should be Midget Games. Should you not have Midgets available to you, most games are easily converted. Recognizing that in Heathen times, people were much shorter (where at 5′11″ you were a giant among men), it is important to honor them by subtly changing the most standard things today. We figure it equals out to about 9 inches to the modern Foot. So that 8 foot volleyball net, lower it to 6 feet and you’re golden. Horseshoes, move the stakes closer and use smaller horseshoes. Baseball, go with wiffleball (doesn’t fly as far) and shorten the baselines. Playing with a beer in hand also inhibits your ability to play (as does the beer), so this only reflects the limitations placed upon our smaller fore-bearers, and therefore encouraged. These rules can be applied to any game, and we encourage you to search out new ones to convert. Also in order to inhibit the competitive advantages of people of stature, physical contact is allowed, with the “no blood no foul” ruling applied, especially in games where it would seem tricky to apply (volleyball, tennis, etc). Nudity, while not applying to the “physical contact” rules, can go either way. While it does inhibit playing ability, especially when involving jumping or sliding, the cost can be quite painful. Though it does give women quite an advantage if they are nekid (and again jumping). We leave that one up to your sado-masochistic designs and willing players. It is not necessary. One rule that must apply to all games, NO TOUCHING THE NET. Even if there is no net, still not allowed to touch it.
  • It is also important to note that “Lawn Darts” are not allowed in any form what-so-ever, UNLESS, you have the classic, original, pure and unchanged, possible injury and/or death inducing, Spiked Metal Lawn Darts we all loved in our youth. Their banishment from society cruelly reflects the same discrimination and persecution that Heathens suffered, and hence no substitute, family friendly, safe to the point of not being fun, polite society acceptable Pussy Dart should ever be allowed to even appear at Festival (build your own types can be found here). Zic-Zac and its current knockoffs are acceptable, provided the curving “drunk” ball is used.
  • If it does rain, and you are all forced inside (or were inside to begin with), we recommend Crokinole, if you can get it together in time. Wii games or Balance boards are lots of fun, provided people are drunk enough, and you have a someone qualified to perform first aid.
  • Water activities are also highly encouraged. Not only because they are fun, and actually help induce nudity, but also provide a cover for all of us not suffering from “permanent micro climates“, an excuse for any “shrinkage” we might be suffering, considering its supposed to be the start of Nude Season, and “its cold” shouldn’t apply in theory. If pools or hot tubs are unavailable to you, Slip and Slides are nice cheap alternatives, though not so good for doing nude.
• Food - As with most gatherings of friends, food is a sweet accent, that soft hue that can color the memory of the day.  It also provides a focal point for which unfamiliar participants to gather around, strike up conversations, a set off that spark that becomes a deep friendship lasting many years.  Also it provides a good source of energy, so that the party can last longer, vital absorption ability to prevent vomiting, and striking colors and texture for said vomiting when it pass beyond the point of all help.  It should also be kept in mind that Heathens are family, a tribe, a group bound to one another, so if one suffers, we all do.  Therefore, in-order to ensure that Festival does not cause undue stress or burden upon any single member, ALL members and attendees are encourage to share in providing the food, booze and any additional items (like massage oil) that the party might require.  Heathens may be willing to carry you on their back through a desert, but that doesn’t mean you get to ride for free.  So while you are shopping at the mini mart on the way to the party, here’s a few things to keep in mind.
  • FIRE must be used to cook.  Let go of your modern ties of your infrared heating cyber cooker or Electrolux convection oven, and surrender to that part of your soul that is still entranced by the soft whispering flicker of a flame singing with each teardrop of impurity that falls upon it.  I’m talking bonfire, Bar-B-Que, Fire breathing midget, or other potential fire bomb you can come up with.  Steak, Hamburger, Chicken, Pork, Shrimp, Sweet Corn, or even Vegetable shishkabob (with a nice orange honey glaze) if you are so inclined(or impaired).  I don’t care if you have to cook cocktail wienies over a tiki torch, or smash up you grandmothers rocking chair and roast a marshmallow, FIRE must be used at some point.  THIS is irresolute.  And no, a birthday candle in a cupcake does not count.
  •  Similarly, Salads are Forbidden (even if you set it on fire).  Honestly, with a bunch of nekid guys running around, do you really want to hang around awaiting the inevitable “Toss my salad” jokes?  At least this applies to the vile leafy green rabbit chow that some insidious corporate scientist has convinced the nation that they require it.  In deference to various female counter parts (and womanly Meds), it has been deemed that “salads” of the potato, egg, and pineapple variety be allowed, as it helps them continue some tradition that their mothers had bestowed upon them one twisted year.  In no way necessary, but allowable, as long as it isn’t green.
  • Snacks of all types are allowed, and encouraged.  They especially make for convenient and safe “donations” for new participants, and are easily picked up at any store for last minute purchases.  Homemade goodies are better, but all sweet and salty types are welcome.
  • Along with the food, Booze should also be supplied by the various party goers.  Beer is the default universal beverage, but as this is no “standard” gathering, higher quality types are encouraged.  As these are more expensive, we would recommend buying a lessor amount, just having more people buy it.  Wine, hard alcohol, mixers, etc are fine if you have a particular desire, but as it might not be shared by all, make sure you also bring something else (booze or food) that everyone can enjoy.  Also keep in mind that whatever booze you bring should be open to all, and you need to be prepared to see the $100 bottle of whiskey disappear quickly, so cheaper stuff is usually better, unless you can afford it.  To avoid that, we recommend Margaritas, where you can use cheaper Tequila (unless you are Gilgemesh) and still have a damn fine drink.  It is also perfect for the ancient though seldom seen practice of the Heathen upside down margarita shots if you have the hot tub and breasty woman available to administer it properly.
  • Drinking alcohol is not…required at Festival, just recommended.  The desire to wash your eyes out with cleansing alcohol, or to drink away the pain and memory of having seen your friend’s drunken mother running around nekid will become more apparent throughout the night.  Plus, as perceptions are clouded and some of us look better when we are fuzzy, you only help your fellow Heathens the drunker you are.  But for those party goers that are brave and Masochistic enough to desire to remain sober, suitable refreshments must be insured for them.  Bottle water can be enjoyed by all, so that is a staple, and comes in very handy for washing out stains, waking people up, and just general warding off of the hangover demons.
  • Ice is a highly important item that is often forgotten and only becomes apparent once you run out half way through the party, so careful planning is necessary.  If, as in certain areas, the only local place for you to be able to buy ice is the local Jiggly room (Nudie bar for the uninitiated), double the planning is required.You will probably have to make multiple runs through out the day(via sober driver) and well ahead of any ice meltdowns, since as we all know, they only allow you to buy one bag at a time, and are in no rush to help you, so it can take a good half hour each trip (no matter how ugly, old, and how many prosthetic body parts the dancers might have).
• Finally, when planning your party, be sure to factor in crash space for the percentage of guests that will not be up to driving home that night and only invite accordingly, or wisely, by having a few set sober drivers preplanned.  All guests should be allowed whatever time the need to sober up before driving(even if you have to take their keys), and checked before they depart.  Don’t let a celebration turn into a tragedy.  The world isn’t going anywhere, and your floor serves no purpose at night, so better to let a friend sleep it off on it.  Besides, then you can make them buy you breakfast in the morning.

That’s it, you should be set and able to take these guidelines and have a fully honorable and long talked about, but largely forgotten, Festival of your own.  But I would like to make one last suggestion.  Your entire life is but a collection of a few random seconds of truly pure and meaningful moments.  It is not sitting in traffic, or meeting a sales quota, or hours on the couch or even time spent reading this blog.  Its those few precious breaths that carry their own soundtrack, that exist only for a heartbeat, and with the next blink of your eye, shift to something else.  Find that moment within Festival, and although you might forget everything else, remember that beat for all time.  Whether its the 2 AM laughter of old friends recounting memories, fireworks reflected in a loved one’s eyes, teaching your buddy’s kid to pee on a tree, or seeing that really cool chick who you never thought would show up walk in the door, capture it, and treasure it.  Write it down, take a pic (if its of a nekid girl, send it to us), repeat it in your head over and over, carve it into your arm with a butter knife, just don’t lose it, for it will carry you for years to come.  This is one of the underlying truths of Heathenism, and should never be forgotten.

 And just think, once Festival is passed, only a few short months till EdFest.  What you don’t know about Edfest??? Oh what this world has come to…..

Something involving us drinking beer.

Here’s what we came up with: two beers, three (or more) tasters, single blind (we know what two are in front of us but not which is which) head to head (tip of the hat to AleLagerLambic) tasting done less “to style” and more to “I like this one better”. Grading done on the five traditional tasting criteria (appearance, aroma, taste, mouthfeel, drinkablility) with the winner having the glorious distinction of being declared better than the other one. To us.

Right! First up: English Barleywines.

Rock Art Brewery Ridge Runner Vs. Duck-Rabbit Barleywine

Appearance

Both beers poured a nice deep copper color with a slight off white head.

Med: Wow. They look pretty much identical.

Gil: No look, this one (Rock Art) has a few more bubbles!

Fade: How come I got mine last?

Winner: Rock Art

Aroma

Fade: When you say “barleywine” this one (Duck-Rabbit) smells the way I expect it to. Sweet and a little malty.

Gil: Yeah, and this one (Rock Art) is completely different, and not in a good way. Too much alcohol.

Med: Too much alcohol and really yeasty. Like bread crust yeasty.

Winner: Duck-Rabbit

Taste

Med: Not even close. This one (Duck -Rabbit) is sweet, develops nicely, and lingers at the finish.

Fade: See, this one (Duck-Rabbit) is like a big firework. It builds, explodes with flavor, then slowly fades. This one (Rock Art) is more like a sparkler. And not even like a sparkler that we had as kids, more like the lame-ass sparklers they have now. You light it, it spews forth a couple of sparks for a few seconds, then goes out.

Gil: Hey, we should have Heathen Olympics.

Winner: Duck-Rabbit

Mouthfeel

Gil: This one’s (Duck -Rabbit) great. Medium body and just enough carbonation.

Fade: This one (Rock Art) feels like water.

Med: That’s it exactly. Water. With bubbles. Not even good bubbles. Big ole’ soda bubbles.

Winner: Duck -Rabbit

Overall Winner: Duck-Rabbit

It really wasn’t even close. Once we got past the fact that the Rock Art squeaked out a win in appearance this was utter domination. The Duck-Rabbit officially becomes the first ever “Beer that we thought was better than that other one”.

Of special note, when it came down to guessing which was which, Gilgemesh nailed it based purely on the labels. What can I say, he’s got talent.

Have a couple of brews you’d like us to compare in the name of Public Service? Shoot me an email.

•  Just because you drop some Swedish Fish into a puddle of rain water, doesn’t mean they’ll swim away, no matter how pretty it looks.
• This Traffic Jam would be seriously annoying, if it wasn’t for all the gasoline fumes in my car.  Instead its just kind of …….purple-y.
• Perfect demonstration of, as Benjamin Linus said, “Fate is a fickle bitch”.  You study and train hard, and get to be a helicopter pilot, flying fast and free up in the sky, only to end up spending all day hovering over traffic jams for the news.
• Your status with me:  While I would cross the street to pee on you if you were on fire, I’m not sure I’d pee on you to heal a jellyfish sting.  And I pee on alot of things…
• Sometimes its not a matter of seeing the forest through the trees, or the trees in the forest.  Sometimes its just about seeing that single flower/deer/trickling waterfall that’s right in front of you, that’s the whole point of tromping through the forest in the first place.  Me??  I see pink elephants stomping on corporate raiders while fighting off a zombie horde in a blood red rain at sunset, but that’s besides the point.
• The funny thing about time is, it’s by far the cheapest and easiest thing to give to someone, and yet, to the receiver its often one of the most precious and meaningful things you can give.  A gift of a just heartbeats and shallow breaths, and yet all we can think of are excuses as to why we don’t have enough to give, until its too late and we run out, and then all we ask for is, more.
• Considering, in Japan, you now need a special ID card in order to buy cigarettes (to prove you are old enough), and yet not for the beer they sell in vending machines, I’m doubly convinced that nicotine helps prevent consumer zombie-ism.
• The only time I’ll EVER be considered “the bigger man”, is if I’m compared to Med, and I’m fine with that.
• What is my wife doing all day while I’m at work, that requires a Dust Buster in the bathroom?  Is there a new attachment that I don’t know about, or are her legs not that silky smooth naturally?
• My whole goal in writing, is to NOT write something that forces me to sleep on the couch for a few nights.  Unless I just bought a REALLY good X-Box game, then I’ll just make some shit up.
• Sometimes, in our search to find ourselves, we lose the people that know us the best.
• Sometimes talking to you is like getting dog kisses from my puppy after he licks his own ass.

Hey, I warned you they were random, and I never said I was sane.